Loving and facing the grief that follows when your loved one is gone is deeply courageous. This can be the case even for people who have extremely deep faith. I know it must be hard and I’m here for you no matter what. It’s leaders are doing a job, and they are doing it according to the rules of that church which are at the end of the day man-made rules. In the coming years when older family members pass away and the memories get fuzzy, these recordings will become precious treasures. The griever will disclose to you what they want you to know. I felt your message & your compassion. I will too and it won’t be the same without them. It’s very sad because they are letting themselves down, their church down, their flock down, and of course their God down (if they can see far enough beyond themselves to even think of their God, that is). ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ is the best, universal response. Losing a Grandchild - Sympathy and Support, If you're looking for more ways to support a friend through their grief, read our guides on, Duchow-Moore, Ashley. I know the person who said this meant “I learned so much about your mom, she seemed like a fascinating person.” But I can’t get that phrase out of my head. Obviously still in grief about her Uncle. And you will probably find out in time. After losing my dad I heard this all the time and I remember thinking, he is supposed to be here—there is no better place. I am trying to learn to deal with what people say by assuming that they MEAN well. Offer a hug. But even then, I couldn’t force the doctors to put in a feeding tube as my stepfather (mentally incompetent) was her next of kind, and he refused. Giving a donation helps the family honor their lost grandchild and makes your choice simple. And if some of these haven’t been shared before, a family gathering is a good chance to talk about them. A PICKLE CHIN! I thought it was presumptuous and insensitive to tell me how sure she was that I felt a certain way. ALMOST. Another thing that should NEVER be said? Later, dont know how long it was, I awoke and she was still there. The good news is that grief isn’t something you can fix by turning an eloquent phrase. Meghan, that’s a good question but unfortunately the answer is tricky! I know you were so close to [name] and you’ll miss them terribly. I can only hope your boyfriend was looking for something optimistic or comforting to say. Remind them that this is not a to-do list or something to be worked on now, but merely kept in mind through the storm. All rights reserved. Some children are able to break the cycle and become better people and I commend them because that is rare. He knew what he was doing. But grandparents have a special role in the family as well, and it’s important to acknowledge their loss, too. Pressures off, though, because grief isn’t something you can fix simply by turning an eloquent phrase. Some people just weren’t brought up properly and not loved and accepted because of selfish parents and I blame them. For those who lose an elderly close relative or friend, the longer they have them the deeper the sorrow. Meaningful sympathy gifts that aren't flowers, Tips for Planning (and Attending) a Funeral Using Zoom, 10 Best Online Memorial Sites: Cost, Features + Reviews, How to Find Senior Care for Aging Adults: Companies, Cost + Reviews. Everyone in a family can have a connection to a grandchild, so a good way to show support and sympathy is to put a spotlight on it. I had to get the Department of Aging involved, and we finally got her to the hospital. I was wondering whether you would be able to send me a version of your nice “ebook on how to support a grieving friend” for free? I am so sorry about your step dad. I do not believe in “closure”, I hate that word. I lost my 13 yr old son due to diabetic complications 5 days after my birthday, almost 6 wks ago. This link will open in a new window. How is that helpful!? I am pondering whether to point out to this person that her words were not helpful. This grandchild will be forever frozen in time as a young person, which can make this loss particularly heartbreaking. We don’t want to make the griever sad, we really don’t want to make them angry, and we do so desperately want to make things better. Rip – mark. I do accept it, but I’m still dealing with the pain, and I will be for some time. People don’t plan on ending up this way! Sir Michael Philip Jagger (born 26 July 1943) is an English singer, songwriter, actor, and film producer Grief can be fickle… Some days I can conquer mountains, and other days I cant conquer a shower. Your mum will Understand how you feel whatever your differences while your step Dad was alive. You do not need to exacerbate it with the pressure of containing their emotions. I’m not very good at putting this into words so I hope you understand what you just read. One of my nieces friend enters the bedroom, sits on bed next to me, and merely rests her hand on my side (hip) and said nothing. It is impossible to know what to say. ?‍♀️, Jenny Cross  December 1, 2020 at 7:11 pm Reply, You did a good job and she will Thank you, Dean Franklin  June 21, 2020 at 5:08 am Reply, I had a favourite auntie pass away and got the news that day. Most friends and acquaintances have been kindness itself but one has made me feel bitterly angry and resentful at her crassness. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. The response I got tonight has still & will always stick with me! My mum had cancer. When a grandchild dies, a family branch gets cut short far too early. I wish you all the fortitude and strength to talk. I can see how what his aunt said was hurtful, albeit well-intentioned. Marta  February 28, 2020 at 9:37 pm Reply, There is no way to help…you must do by yourself. The holidays will be different this year after losing your grandchild. Xxxxxx, Linda K  September 19, 2016 at 12:05 pm Reply. You have to help yourself before you can help anyone else. Its really very simple…unless you have walked in the same shoes you don’t know anything about the pain. I was told – well, I’ve no sympathy for them , they bring it on them selves. [Name] loved you so much. She refused to go to the hospital. 11. A griever thinks: Is that supposed to make me miss him/her less? I understand your desire to be strong for your father and sibling, but what does being strong mean? And when you reply, say something like: I wish for you happy memories of those holiday’s with your loved one. Unbelievable! i said fuck you , you don’t get it ! Share memories, reminisce about their life, but do not imply that it should make this loss easier. I’d check your priorities at what is probably a tough time for some people. I think “you can always remarry/have another kid/get another pet” are all interrelated statements. 5. And I want to help the next generations know more about who [name] is and how much they meant to us. I was not able to get back to church after his death and I wondered why the pastor didn’t call and then, after 3 months, he did call and wanted to visit. Traditions and fun activities aren’t the same, and some people aren’t sure what to do. Some people won’t. Many years ago when I was 19, I lost my 18 year old brother in a road traffic accident. Also, don’t say let me know what I can do-people in true deep grief can barely think to brush your teeth or walk much less ask for favors; if it’s someone you love, simply make a meal & say I am just dropping it off or mow their grass or take care of the kids for a day. I started a legal battle, but quit when an MRI showed that she’d had two major vascular strokes. Thanks for your supportive words. I finally yelled at my SIL and said “Are you blind as a bat?” in response to my BIL’s toxic bullying and of course, she wanted to be the victim and overreacted and jumped out of her chair and screamed and ran off crying. My father was 90 and my mother was 87 and Dad had heart problems. This isn’t about you. I might seem strong, but I don’t feel strong. I was devastated when I lost my husband to brain cancer just 12 weeks after diagnosis. Depending on how well you know your colleague or client, you might invite them out for coffee or to a social event. I’m not sure there are words to comfort you, but I am so sorry for your loss and I know it’s painful. So you can stop worrying about taking away your loved one’s pain because it isn’t going to happen. 7. Each person’s grief is relative and excruciatingly painful. I’m glad we can be here for each other. It’s nearly 30 years ago, and I still remember (with irritation) the people telling me to “be strong for your mother and hold your mother up” when my grandmother died – as though I weren’t just as close to my grandmother! Click here. I’d like to give money in the name of your grandchild to a charity or organization to help you honor them. Being unafraid of so-called “negative” feelings takes strength. I am still in love. Reading these comments it is so easy to see why people avoid those who have suffered a dreadful loss. AND WHO WAS ANXIOUSLY WAITING TO SEE HIS WILL) says to me “JUST GIVE IT A YEAR.” First, As if she knew what would be going on in a year’s time…. I really I REALLY DO NOT LIKE YOU. They may get another animal, they may not. I think our culture just doesn’t handle this very well. I, only days ago, lost my 32 old son. Yes he was an addict. So this stuff is real. What to Say to a Family Member Who Lost a Grandchild. Do they ever listen to themselves? I am very thankful for this list. This is so true Eleanor – I am being smothered by well-meaning people who are trying nothing more than to ensure I have a safe space to grieve – and they are driving me nuts! I was daddy‘s little girl and I am now 47 and my heart is crushed. Finally, let the griever alone if you can not give real love! Dad had another of his episodes and after his death Mum became ill 3 months later and was diagnosed with secondary cancer, She refused treatment and died at home in my arms. Please know that I care about you and am here for you. Space is the best thing. I know it is difficult knowing what to say after a death but that comment was just plain cruel! Elham  August 15, 2018 at 11:33 am Reply, Hi there, I am an Iranian lecturer and I help the mothers who they had pregnancy loss and found your site very useful. What a difficult moment of mutual misunderstanding. I was so shocked by her cruel comment I just walked away. The worst thing that was said to me after my mom died was ” well, you know, everybody got to died sometime” I wanted (and still do) to punch this person in the face. Better yet, pick up our ebook on how to support a grieving friend (without sticking your foot in your mouth!). No mention of my brother, no “I’m sorry for your loss” no hugs, nothing. 22% of teens lost their friendship with someone due to actions on social media sites. Hahaha it is actually really funny, thanks for the perspective . What not to say: Thank goodness you didn’t have any children. https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-strong-in-grief/, https://whatsyourgrief.com/comparing-grief/, https://whatsyourgrief.com/64-things-about-grief/. Our family will always have a place for [name]. Everyone is trying to tell me it’s okay to cry a lot (I never asked) and the underlying insinuation is that I don’t seem sad enough to match their definition of what a griever should look like. Please, think before you speak…, Mia Jones  February 22, 2019 at 2:31 pm Reply. My mother-in-law said, after he died, “well I’m sure you’ll miss him, but not all of the time needed to take care of him.” Of course I miss him, but all of the care I gave him is part of my love for him and I’d do it over a million times if I had to, despite how difficult it was. I don’t think it’s normal or natural to die in your 50’s and I certainly didn’t want to live in a world where that is considered “Normal”, Lynette Stevenson  August 28, 2020 at 9:57 pm Reply. Then some one walks and says that, well he better say by to his volcal cords. He and his wife, my husband’s sister, walks in and sits down and the first thing out of my BIL’s mouth was “What do you think of Robin Williams and mental health?” OUCH!!! 3. Continue reading, Discover the best online memorial sites for remembering a loved one... God has a plan, you understand their pain, and at least he/she lived a […], What to Send Instead of Flowers -  February 27, 2013 at 9:46 am Reply, […] After a Death. I highly recommend that you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/64-things-about-grief/ It describes a lot of what you’re experiencing, and I hope it communicates to you that what you’re feeling is normal and valid. Surely at 70 years old, he should know the struggles Christians may have in terms of their loved one’s soul but he didn’t hold back. In their time of profound sadness, consider saying one or more of these messages to honor their loss. Interestingly, for a long time all we had were people telling others NOT to feel and now we’ve crossed over to the other extreme where people are policed into fully expressing their emotions. Elizabeth Speck  May 20, 2020 at 7:05 pm Reply, Marilyn Mann  March 10, 2020 at 1:07 pm Reply. What can I do… where can I help you and then shut up and listen. That is: “I can’t imagine how you feel.” Oh yes, you can, you just don’t want to go there! 15. I don’t mean to be hurtful – sometimes I just cant think about what I’m doing. I don’t think you’re fully prepared for the feeling of “aloneness” you feel afterwards. I get it, you just want them to feel like you relate. They may date again in the future, but I promise you they can’t even consider this right now so there’s no point in talking about it. Many families set up memorial funds or give money to charities when an individual passes away. It’s terrible to see your mother die like that! Please talk about my child/spouse/sibling/grandchild/parents – I will tell you if I cant handle them. In this case, you may sincerely want to express your sympathy but may feel like some gestures are too personal. A griever thinks: I just lost the person I planned to spend the rest of my life with. A griever thinks: I can’t stop. 12. [Name] was a part of so many wonderful family memories and I’ll never forget them. JeannieF  April 4, 2019 at 5:44 am Reply, In the weeks since we lost our daughter, it’s become clear that many who don’t want to talk about her death have a code they use. My son will be with me for the rest of my life, in everything I do moving forward. Needless to say I will be leaving here asap but I have to wait for my insurance claim because I spent my last $9000 relocating here and the movers damaged 95% of my household goods – even had a dead rat roll down my body- 22 years worth of my life acquiring it. My grandchildren don’t have a father, my daughter in law is a widow and my son is gone . If you live nearby, consider spending time together in person or doing some tasks for your friend. Sometimes people feel bad for having to take off time to deal with their grief. When someone is acutely grieving they may be experiencing symptoms very similar to depression, and depressed people often have a hard time imagining a future where things are better. I know he meant well, and I’ve probably said something equally unthinking to someone grieving (though I hope not), but I just wanted to get it off my chest. This was 2 years ago now. Those two little words have haunted me since I read them in a post about my son who hadn’t even been gone a full month yet…and to make matters worse, those words, “let go” were said by a woman who called herself “grandma”. In many cases, the charities reflect a specific health condition they had or a cause they supported.